Sunday, January 27, 2013

Dealing with Disappointment

I have never really understood what the fuss was all about.. What really IS so bad about giving all kids a trophy for participating in a sport?  My big "wake-up call" came this week.

Thinking that it would boost their spirits after a no-win soccer season, when C was in grade school, the parents bought medals for every player. It was all for fun...right?  

Or were we teaching them that no one deserved to stand out? Or even worse-that it would be selfish to be recognized because it would hurt the other players' feelings?  

This isn't just apply to sports, but to all things that kids have to try out for-plays, band and vocal competitions..  What about when they apply for colleges and scholarships?  There aren't an unlimited number of spots available.

Why do we not congratulate those that shine? Why do we not build them up?  We instead say, well it was really difficult for "so and so" to not achieve what you did, so could you not say anything about it around them?

If we only gave awards (even when they are younger) to the winning teams, to the MVPs, to the top Artists, and gave them in front of their competitors, maybe it would give the others that motivation to work harder.  Or maybe..they will find what their own niche really is.. 

I have learned that when we don't start when they are young, we are setting them up for disappointment later when they don't get the trophy, award, spot, role, etc..  And-they will have no idea how to deal with it.  Our kids haven't learned (neither have we) how to deal with disappointment when they don't do well.  

Instead, all of the anger gets thrown at the person that earned that coveted spot on the list.  The person who should be proud of their accomplishments is then, no longer proud, but ashamed.  They begin to believe they are selfish to even think of being excited about it because someone else is so upset.

T has tried out multiple times for different musical roles or choir spots, and hasn't made them.  I've always explained to her that maybe that one just wasn't for her.. Maybe it was meant for someone else.. 

We've never allowed her to reassign blame to anyone else either when she doesn't make it.  It goes both ways, we tell her.  You can be proud when you do well and accept that accomplishment as your own, but if it doesn't go well, you can't pass the blame on the coach, teacher, weather, etc.. 

As parents, it is our job to teach our children by example.  Don't blame the kid that got the scholarship, is playing the entire game, or earned that spot on the roster.  Look at ways your child can improve and encourage them to try new things.  Let them know that it is okay to be sad, talk about it, then move on.  If we are stuck in it, they will be too.  

I've seen disappointment on my children's faces, and it is heartbreaking.  Let's learn how to lift them up from that sadness, instead of wallowing in it with them.  

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

Friday, January 25, 2013

Friday Favorites- A Variety


A few of my all-time most favorite things ever are in this very cool collage! 
 
Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Top 5 List.. Pet Peeves Anyone?

Much needed ranting is ahead, beware..   

Everyone has pet peeves.. EVERYONE does. Here are mine.  Feel free to comment and share your own!

5.   Just flip the switch- Seriously people, turn off the light when you leave a room.

4.  Secrets- Don't whisper and talk around people in a way that makes someone else feel left out.
 
3.  The bum bum bum that comes from the bass in a car stereo blaring late at night outside your house.. and you live in a subdivision.. Common sense-not so common.

2.  Parents not forcing their children to accept responsibility for their own actions and decisions- Can I get a HALLELUJAH?  Parents are actually doing their children a disservice by not allowing their children to learn that sometimes it is (OMG HOLD YOUR BREATH) their own responsibility for their failures and accomplishments-not the responsibility of the teachers, coaches, parents, etc.. 

1.  Pity parties on Facebook- Pick up a phone book, look up a therapist and CALL ONE!  Posting a "Woe is me" status or picture ever 15 minutes actually encourages others to avoid you instead of helping you.


Sorry for the negativity, I really needed to vent a bit.  Thanks for letting me...

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

P.S. Good News to share! I need to congratulate my girl T for getting the role of Chava in her high school's production of Fiddler on the Roof! She worked her A$$ off and deserves it!

iTryitTuesday..on hold

iTryitTuesday is on hold for nowI just have too much going on right now to keep it up, the way I want to do it.  Besides, there is so much more I'd like to chat about!

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

Monday, January 21, 2013

This is my story ~ Facing the truth

This is my story on why I face the truth with my kids.. 

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my oldest (T) was almost 5 and my youngest (C) was 1 1/2.  

The cancer was non-small cell lung cancer that had metastasized to the brain, where it had grown rapidly. At first, the Doctors said that she had maybe 4-6 weeks.  Mom was diagnosed in late August 2001 and she passed away in June 2002.  

Those 10 months that she had with us were precious, and why I made the decision to be honest with my young girls.

I remember telling T that Mama Vickie was very sick, that she had to take medicine to make her feel better but it would push her hair out..  It sounds silly, but to a child of that age, it completely made sense.  She wasn't shocked or upset when Grandma walked out one day with no hair and was excited to try on wigs and hats with her!

I told her that Grandma would be going to heaven because the medicine couldn't take away all of the cancer inside of her. I told her that Grandma wouldn't have to be sick anymore when she went to heaven, but that it wouldn't be for a while. She had a lot of questions, and I answered as best I could.  

I explained that we all would catch up to her in Heaven, but hopefully not for a very long time.  I told her that Mama Vickie's Dad had been there for many years, and she'd be able to see him again when she went to heaven too.  

When Mom took a turn for the worse and we knew it was soon, I went to my sweet T and told her that Grandma was ready because her body couldn't be sick anymore.  We laid in a bed for an hour while she cried and told me that she loved her Grandma and that it wasn't fair.  I agreed that it wasn't fair, I agreed that it was going to be very hard to say goodbye. 

I didn't hide the cancer from my kids.  That was precious time that they would have missed with her.  C was only 2 1/2 when she passed away, but still has memories of sitting at her table eating pretzels with Grandma.  Those memories wouldn't be there if I had hidden it all from them.

They loved rubbing her feet and head with lotion.  Her skin was so dry, and it was something they could do for her.  Love- it was all around my Mother and girls while we cherished those months of borrowed time with her.

When we were told that it was the end of her time, T came in the middle of the night to tell her Mama Vicki goodbye.  What I am telling you is the absolute truth of that night, and it gives me chills to this day.  

She hadn't opened her eyes for 2 days due to being in a med-induced sleep.  When my sweet girl went over to her and said that she loved her and kissed her cheek, Mom's eyes opened wide and tears fell.  Her eyes closed as quickly as they had opened, my sister and I just stared at each other in amazement at what we had witnessed.. 

Later that day, after Mom had passed, the girls went to spend the weekend with my in-laws.  My mother-in-law called my husband and explained something had happened on their drive making her realize that whatever it was that we had done to prepare the girls for this loss, we had done well.  

T had seen this bright star in the sky during their drive and told them that it must be Mama Vickie, because she would be watching over them from heaven.
 
I'm sure some will read this and think: 
Why would you let your kids see all of that?  My answer- Why wouldn't I?  Life is tough-it isn't always pretty.  You can see that on the TV or in the papers every day, why would I hide her Grandmother, who she loves? 
Why would you tell a 4/5-year old that her grandmother is going to die?  That isn't what I told her, how I explained it was that she would be going to heaven. Also- that we'd eventually go to heaven, so we would meet up with her there someday, hopefully a long time away.

Every family has their own way of doing things, and this is what worked for us.  I share to see if it can give someone ideas on handling an issue in their own lives.  

I don't have a PhD- I am just a Mom, a Wife and Daughter that went through this life-altering experience.  My mother had 6 children and 16 grandchildren when she died.  Her life, cancer, and death, affected every one of us differently. 

This is my story.  Thank you for reading it...

Please let me know if this meant something to you, or struck a chord.. 

Big hugs to my followers!~
melissa