Dealing with Disappointment

I have never really understood what the fuss was all about.. What really IS so bad about giving all kids a trophy for participating in a sport?  My big "wake-up call" came this week.

Thinking that it would boost their spirits after a no-win soccer season, when C was in grade school, the parents bought medals for every player. It was all for fun...right?  

Or were we teaching them that no one deserved to stand out? Or even worse-that it would be selfish to be recognized because it would hurt the other players' feelings?  

This isn't just apply to sports, but to all things that kids have to try out for-plays, band and vocal competitions..  What about when they apply for colleges and scholarships?  There aren't an unlimited number of spots available.

Why do we not congratulate those that shine? Why do we not build them up?  We instead say, well it was really difficult for "so and so" to not achieve what you did, so could you not say anything about it around them?

If we only gave awards (even when they are younger) to the winning teams, to the MVPs, to the top Artists, and gave them in front of their competitors, maybe it would give the others that motivation to work harder.  Or maybe..they will find what their own niche really is.. 

I have learned that when we don't start when they are young, we are setting them up for disappointment later when they don't get the trophy, award, spot, role, etc..  And-they will have no idea how to deal with it.  Our kids haven't learned (neither have we) how to deal with disappointment when they don't do well.  

Instead, all of the anger gets thrown at the person that earned that coveted spot on the list.  The person who should be proud of their accomplishments is then, no longer proud, but ashamed.  They begin to believe they are selfish to even think of being excited about it because someone else is so upset.

T has tried out multiple times for different musical roles or choir spots, and hasn't made them.  I've always explained to her that maybe that one just wasn't for her.. Maybe it was meant for someone else.. 

We've never allowed her to reassign blame to anyone else either when she doesn't make it.  It goes both ways, we tell her.  You can be proud when you do well and accept that accomplishment as your own, but if it doesn't go well, you can't pass the blame on the coach, teacher, weather, etc.. 

As parents, it is our job to teach our children by example.  Don't blame the kid that got the scholarship, is playing the entire game, or earned that spot on the roster.  Look at ways your child can improve and encourage them to try new things.  Let them know that it is okay to be sad, talk about it, then move on.  If we are stuck in it, they will be too.  

I've seen disappointment on my children's faces, and it is heartbreaking.  Let's learn how to lift them up from that sadness, instead of wallowing in it with them.  

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

Friday Favorites- A Variety

A few of my all-time most favorite things ever are in this very cool collage! 

 

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

Top 5 List.. Pet Peeves Anyone?

Much needed ranting is ahead, beware..   

Everyone has pet peeves.. EVERYONE does. Here are mine.  Feel free to comment and share your own!

5.   Just flip the switch- Seriously people, turn off the light when you leave a room.

4.  Secrets- Don't whisper and talk around people in a way that makes someone else feel left out.
 
3.  The bum bum bum that comes from the bass in a car stereo blaring late at night outside your house.. and you live in a subdivision.. Common sense-not so common.

2.  Parents not forcing their children to accept responsibility for their own actions and decisions- Can I get a HALLELUJAH?  Parents are actually doing their children a disservice by not allowing their children to learn that sometimes it is (OMG HOLD YOUR BREATH) their own responsibility for their failures and accomplishments-not the responsibility of the teachers, coaches, parents, etc.. 

1.  Pity parties on Facebook- Pick up a phone book, look up a therapist and CALL ONE!  Posting a "Woe is me" status or picture ever 15 minutes actually encourages others to avoid you instead of helping you.


Sorry for the negativity, I really needed to vent a bit.  Thanks for letting me...

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

P.S. Good News to share! I need to congratulate my girl T for getting the role of Chava in her high school's production of Fiddler on the Roof! She worked her A$$ off and deserves it!

iTryitTuesday..on hold

iTryitTuesday is on hold for now.  I just have too much going on right now to keep it up, the way I want to do it.  Besides, there is so much more I'd like to chat about!

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

This is my story ~ Facing the truth

This is my story on why I face the truth with my kids.. 

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my oldest (T) was almost 5 and my youngest (C) was 1 1/2.  

The cancer was non-small cell lung cancer that had metastasized to the brain, where it had grown rapidly. At first, the Doctors said that she had maybe 4-6 weeks.  Mom was diagnosed in late August 2001 and she passed away in June 2002.  

Those 10 months that she had with us were precious, and why I made the decision to be honest with my young girls.

I remember telling T that Mama Vickie was very sick, that she had to take medicine to make her feel better but it would push her hair out..  It sounds silly, but to a child of that age, it completely made sense.  She wasn't shocked or upset when Grandma walked out one day with no hair and was excited to try on wigs and hats with her!

I told her that Grandma would be going to heaven because the medicine couldn't take away all of the cancer inside of her. I told her that Grandma wouldn't have to be sick anymore when she went to heaven, but that it wouldn't be for a while. She had a lot of questions, and I answered as best I could.  

I explained that we all would catch up to her in Heaven, but hopefully not for a very long time.  I told her that Mama Vickie's Dad had been there for many years, and she'd be able to see him again when she went to heaven too.  

When Mom took a turn for the worse and we knew it was soon, I went to my sweet T and told her that Grandma was ready because her body couldn't be sick anymore.  We laid in a bed for an hour while she cried and told me that she loved her Grandma and that it wasn't fair.  I agreed that it wasn't fair, I agreed that it was going to be very hard to say goodbye. 

I didn't hide the cancer from my kids.  That was precious time that they would have missed with her.  C was only 2 1/2 when she passed away, but still has memories of sitting at her table eating pretzels with Grandma.  Those memories wouldn't be there if I had hidden it all from them.

They loved rubbing her feet and head with lotion.  Her skin was so dry, and it was something they could do for her.  Love- it was all around my Mother and girls while we cherished those months of borrowed time with her.

When we were told that it was the end of her time, T came in the middle of the night to tell her Mama Vicki goodbye.  What I am telling you is the absolute truth of that night, and it gives me chills to this day.  

She hadn't opened her eyes for 2 days due to being in a med-induced sleep.  When my sweet girl went over to her and said that she loved her and kissed her cheek, Mom's eyes opened wide and tears fell.  Her eyes closed as quickly as they had opened, my sister and I just stared at each other in amazement at what we had witnessed.. 

Later that day, after Mom had passed, the girls went to spend the weekend with my in-laws.  My mother-in-law called my husband and explained something had happened on their drive making her realize that whatever it was that we had done to prepare the girls for this loss, we had done well.  

T had seen this bright star in the sky during their drive and told them that it must be Mama Vickie, because she would be watching over them from heaven.

 

I'm sure some will read this and think: 

Why would you let your kids see all of that?  My answer- Why wouldn't I?  Life is tough-it isn't always pretty.  You can see that on the TV or in the papers every day, why would I hide her Grandmother, who she loves? 

Why would you tell a 4/5-year old that her grandmother is going to die?  That isn't what I told her, how I explained it was that she would be going to heaven. Also- that we'd eventually go to heaven, so we would meet up with her there someday, hopefully a long time away.

Every family has their own way of doing things, and this is what worked for us.  I share to see if it can give someone ideas on handling an issue in their own lives.  

I don't have a PhD- I am just a Mom, a Wife and Daughter that went through this life-altering experience.  My mother had 6 children and 16 grandchildren when she died.  Her life, cancer, and death, affected every one of us differently. 

This is my story.  Thank you for reading it...

Please let me know if this meant something to you, or struck a chord.. 

Big hugs to my followers!~
melissa

Friday Favorites!

If anyone asked me what keeps me and the hubby from going crazy with the girls' schedules- I'd have one word for them.. Cozi!!

Not exaggerating people- it has literally changed my life!! All 4 of us can access the same calendar from our own phone to add or change any appointments!

You assign everyone their own color for the calendar and when it's an appointment for only them, their color for is showing. When it's an appointment for everyone, the color picked for the family will show.

Also- the free app offers a one-time reminder for all events. You can set up the reminder to go off a week or even 15 minutes before.

Grocery and to-do lists are offered too! Anyone with access to your calendar (protected with a shared family password) can add something to the lists. 

You can get the full version- but I think the price is a bit steep. I'll stick with the free version because it works for us.

I love the Cozi Family Organizer App!

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

I'm Trying It-Kitchen Command Center!!

My first iTryitTuesday!!  Woot woot!!

It's January, that wonderful month that we all feel the pressure of purging our old files and find better ways to organize.  I have decided its about time to hop on the organization bandwagon, so first checked out Pinterest for ideas.
 
Here is the link to where I found most of the ideas for today's iTryitTuesday! She is one FABULOUSLY  INVENTIVE LADY!! http://lovelycraftyhome.com/2011/01/19/new-year-new-organization/

 

Printable calendars?  W-w-what??? AWESOME!! I love the ones that I did- and I used a thicker card stock to print them so they should hold up well.  Do you always check out your birthday month first when you get a calendar?  I do- and here it is!!

This SMART BLOGGER posted several different calendars to choose from, and, here's the link! http://benignobjects.blogspot.com/2013/01/2013-free-printable-calendar-roundup.html

I have to give a SHOUT OUT to the AWESOME CREATIVE CRAFTY WOMAN that created the calendar that I LOVE!!
http://www.ellinee.com/blog/our-12-month-printable-calendar-for-2013/

I tagged a hanging folder for each family member, then have 3  folders that don't hang to put in the front of the file box.  They are labeled for: Unsorted Mail, Please Look at Me and Please Shred Me.  Obvious?  Well, yes.. That's the point..

I found a clear bend-a-flex that I will keep in the back of the file box.  The plan is to use this for our budgeting. 

Here it is- my new Kitchen Command Center!! I am SO excited about putting it together, and now using this tool for my family!  We have got to keep those piles from coming back to our counters!!  

 

Big hugs to my followers~
melissa

The Party of 3 Generations

Today I had a moment.  It came at me out of nowhere, totally unexpected and caught me completely by surprise.  

The day didn't start out as a typical Monday with the hurried rush of making sure the girls are getting ready like they should while I am running out of the door, heading to work. I was off of work today, so I had a Dr.'s appointment, and then went shopping.

I went to a local craft store that I love.  It was nice to look around the store without knowing the hubby and kids are looking at the clock and whispering, "How much longer can she really spend in here?".. They don't really say much when we are there, but (God bless them for trying to make me happy) I know when they don't want to be somewhere.  

I'm standing in this aisle looking at clearance Christmas decorations, and there's this woman in the same aisle.. We start that idle chit-chat, you know, the chit-chat that sounds like, "The birdhouses are so adorable, but not worth the $50 marked on them.." chit-chat.  It was so odd, I felt like I knew this woman.. Then I made a comment on how nice it was to just take my time and look at everything without hubby and my teen daughters.

This stranger seems so familiar, she says that her daughter loves going there with her, but is only four.  She then says that the four-year-old is in the back of the store with her mother, the child's grandmother. 

After a minute or so, I looked to my left and saw another woman that was older, with a little girl of about 4, all dressed in pink.

And that is the moment.. I don't know this blessed woman, this woman who is so fortunate to have her mother and her little girl that still believes in magic and is at that age where everything is wonderful and new.  I would probably never recognize her if I saw her on the street or in the mall, but I will never forget that feeling..  What I felt when I saw this woman join her mother, her little girl and become a Party of 3 Generations.. 

My mother, Vickie, was taken by lung cancer on June 20, 2002.  She hadn't had her 62nd birthday yet, I hadn't had my 24th- both of our birthdays were in July.  The girls were only 5 and 2.  

She enjoyed making things and would have so loved to have been in a craft store with me on a random Monday picking out crafts with the girls.  

I saw a reflection today of what could have been if my mother had been healthier and lived longer.  It wasn't meant to be, and I have made peace with that.  

I don't have the right to want this, but I do..  I want those adult daughters that get asked to shop with their mothers- I want them to do it..  I wish they would, because none of us know how many more shopping excursions, lunch dates, phone calls, or hugs we have left from the woman who gave us life.  

The woman that I saw today was thoroughly enjoying her "Party of 3 Generations".  If I saw her again, I would say to her- Thank you.  Thank you for appreciating the time you have with the precious people in your life because there are many of us out there that aren't as fortunate to still have them..  

Hugs to my followers~
melissa

Who's that crazy lady?

Now, with just a few clicks, we can send text messages to friends and instantly find out if that dress really looks as good as you think it does on you..  Is that a good thing or not??

On Friday, I went to order some new glasses for myself.  I wanted something new, funky, and completely different than I'd had before.  Well, of course I had to get a second opinion before ordering something that was so different than what I'm used to.  So, I would casually take pics of myself with my iPhone (it has the forward-facing camera), and texted pics to the hubby and my 16 year old. 

They texted me "Why are you so angry?" and "Why such a sour face?".  Ok, I am chewing gum while looking at my phone like I am just typing.  I don't want everyone to know I'm taking pics of myself!  What else was it going to look like? They didn't like the frames I had mainly gone after, so I thought- well maybe, just maybe, it's because of these weird faces I am making. 

 Then I started smiling for pics before sending them, busting out laughing over myself because I looked like a freaking lunatic!  Here I was, at this little eye doctor's office in their frames lobby, grinning and taking pics of myself.  One of the ladies that work there said, "Uh-oh, she's taking pictures of herself and laughing-that's not good."!  I kept on taking the pics and texting the hubby and my daughter to get their opinions, and the hubs finally gave up and said I'd look great in any of them. It was too much fun just trying on the different frames and seeing the other peoples' reactions. Finally, I got down to the right pair-not the thick frames because they just didn't work on me, but still completely different than the typical plain silver frames I get. 

When I sat down to order the frames, the girl said she'd heard someone was in the lobby taking pictures of themselves.. I laughed- at least we all had a little humor on a dull afternoon! Two weeks until my new glasses come in and I can't wait. 

It gets so old doing the same things over and over..  I love change..  I embrace it.. I encourage it..  How else do we grow and find out what we are really capable of?

Change is the essence of life.  

Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.  

Reinhold Niebuhr

Self-Help Books-Just More Rules?

We all get them. We all want to better ourselves and browse the bookstores for the perfect "Follow me!" rules so that we can be the perfect Mom, wife, boss, etc...The bookstores are full of books helping us name our babies, feng shui our spaces, bring romance back into our marriages, and even to tell us how to deal with hormonal teenage daughters.  I've read my share of these books, and have gotten a lot of great tips from them. Do you want to know the big secret I just figured out? 

Those extra "rules" that I HAD to start following so that, I too, could be wonderful..well, they just added a lot more stress to my life.

I read that I wasn't supposed to have anything in my room that wasn't for the bedroom- no TV,  computer, desk...  Am I a horrible person for wanting to have a TV in my room? No-in fact, it may just cause fewer arguments over the TV when Grey's is on and everyone is wanting to talk to me.  I can lock my door!! It's okay, they can knock if it's an emergency.. Gosh-I'm kidding, they have phones and can dial 911!

Families have to eat at the dinner table every night together. Yes, when my girls were younger and we weren't driving 3 different ways at 6pm every night, we definitely ate together most of the time.  Now, it's a juggling act just to make sure everyone gets to eat dinner, whether it's Subway or homemade (homemade-what?)!

Don't fix meals from a box, they are full of sodium and so absolutely horrible for us.  No more Hamburger Helper? WHAT????  It would be great if we had the finances and time to afford a homemade meal three times a day.  Unfortunately, we all can't be Betty Homemakers and cook meals with fresh meat and veggies even once a day. Hey, if I get to do that even once a week, I feel like a complete WINNER!!

I am letting myself off of the hook.  I will put a TV in my room, and maybe even a desk! I will not feel guilty that we don't all sit together every night for dinner because I know that we all stay connected through texting and talking-even (OMG!!!!) away from the dinner table, because that is when we are available to connect.  I will not give it a second thought when fixing frozen pizza for dinner after a basketball game because it's too late to cook a big meal. Life is too short for me to worry about these silly things!

Remembering 2012 and Looking Forward to 2013

2012 is now officially in the rear-view mirror, and we survived the end of the world! As I look back at those 12 months, I remember things that have happened over the last year that have changed me. 

I celebrated 15 years of marriage with my husband! My grandmother passed away after a long battle with Alzheimers and Dementia. Our younger daughter turned 13, officially making us the parents of two teenage daughters.  My girls achieved pretty awesome things in school, sports, and musicals. 

There were so many "moments", but one stands out. 

My oldest daughter turned 16 and had just gotten her Driver's License. After we  picked up her license on her birthday, she brought me home before venturing out on her first official "solo" drive to a friend's house. She kept saying, "Mom this is weird, I can't drive by myself. Are you sure you shouldn't go with me?". I gently nudged her out the door with an encouraging, "You've got to do this one all on your own.".  As she backed out of the driveway and drove down the road, my heart felt so heavy. I had been hiding, watching her leave from far away, where she couldn't see me. I knew then and there that my heart would never be whole again, without the new worries I was gaining that afternoon.

Do I have a New Year's Resolution?  I would love to lose 20 pounds, go to the gym every day, or go to bed by 9pm every night.  I will work on those things, but more importantly, I'll continue to work on making my little corner of the world a little brighter.  

As I look forward to 2013, I embrace my ability and willingness to make positive changes. Some days I'll pay for the coffee behind me in the drive thru, buy a friend's favorite candy bar when they are having a tough day, I may leave my change in the soda machine at work for the next person that might need that extra quarter, or just put a card on someone's desk to let them know someone cares about them. I have done these things for a long time. No one ever knows that they are from me because I don't advertise it. I only hope that someone smiles a little more that day and maybe passes the happiness on.  Life is too short to keep it to myself. :)

This is me!

So, here's the thing, I love to write.. Putting words together on paper or, in this case on the screen, and opening a window to your emotions, soul, or whatever you want to call it.. Well it's a pretty freaking awesome thing.

I believe that every person in this world has their own story, their own symphony with a different instrumental combination. 

I think if we share our stories, we can then find a way to work things out together, as an army of women, instead of alone at 5pm when trying to figure out how to keep from striking out against the child that is bullying your child at school, or how to speak to your kids about the more difficult subjects in life, or even how to keep from contacting the divorce lawyer when you find that your hubby washed your favorite top, with love, and see that it is now either 2 sizes too small or the color went just ever so slightly pink. 

Read on if you dare.. to remember that life really is too short to live it alone, or without forgiveness.. Most importantly- don't forget that we all need someone to laugh our butts off with while doing it all! So feel free to stop by, laugh at some off of the wall humor that is my day to day experience, and please keep your comments positive.. lifeis2short4me anyway to experience any more negative than I have to. :)